MONTY PYTHON THE ARGUMENT CLINIC SKETCH LYRICS
I'd like to have an argument, please.
Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
No, I haven't. This is my first time.
I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument or were you thinking of taking a course?
Well, what is the cost?
It's £1 for a five minute argument, but only £8 for a course of ten.
Well, I think it'd be best if I started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
Fine. Well , I'll see who's free at the moment. Mr. Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ah, yes. Try Mr. Barnard. Room 12.
Thank you.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Well, I was told outside--
DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
What?!
SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT!
YOUR TYPE REALLY MAKES ME PUKE, YOU VACUOUS, COFFEE-NOSED, MALODOUROUS PERVERT!
Look, I came in here for an argument! I'm not just going to stand...
Oh! Oh! I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
Oh, I see. Well that explains it.
You want Room 12A just along the corridor.
Thank you.
Not at all. (Door shuts) Stupid git.
Come in.
Is this the right room for an argument?
I've told you once.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
When?
Just now.
No, you didn't.
Did.
Didn't.
Did.
Didn't.
I'm telling you, I did.
No, you did not.
Excuse me. Is the five minute argument or the full half hour?
Oh, just the five minute.
Thank you. Anyway, I did.
No, you most certainly did not.
Let's get one thing straight: I most definitely told you.
No, you did not.
Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
This isn't an argument!
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't. It's just contradiction.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is. You just contradicted me.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
No, no, no.
You did just then.
That's ludicrous.
Oh, this is futile.
No, it isn't.
I came in here for a good argument.
No, you didn't. You came in here for an argument.
Well, argument isn't the same as contradiction.
Can be.
No, it can't.
An argument is a collective series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Look, if I argue with you. I must take a contrary position.
But it isn't just saying No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't. Argument's an intellectual process,
contradiction's just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
Not at all.
Now, look-- (Bell dings)
Good morning.
What?
That's it. Good morning.
I was just getting interested.
I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
That was not five minutes.
I'm afraid it was.
Oh, no, it wasn't. (Argument professional looks around the room)
I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
What?
If you want to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
But that was not five minutes, just now. (Professional whistles) Oh, come on.
If you want to continue arguing, you must pay for another five minutes.
Oh, fine. Here.
Thank you.
Well?
Well what?
That was not five minutes, just then.
I told you, you have to pay.
I just paid.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
I don't want to argue about that.
Well, you didn't pay.
Ah, but if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Aha! Got you.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Oh, I've had enough of this.
No, you haven't.
Oh, shut up!
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